Ketchup is God's man juice
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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