he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
