Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
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