Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
