is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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