Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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