I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
