update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
