happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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