You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
