I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
