i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
