The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
