so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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