i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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