i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Randomize