I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
