totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize