Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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