i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
