I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
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