If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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