I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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