i can't believe i had my finger in that
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
