working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
