I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Randomize
