Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
