Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
