Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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