if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Randomize
