evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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