Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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