you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
