i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize