I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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