i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
