I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
