So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
