Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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