At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
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