I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
You smell like a Billy Joel song
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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