she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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