she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize