if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
