last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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