i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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