i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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