We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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