Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
