You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize