bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
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