Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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