Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize