he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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